Today is the fourth day of 2011 and maybe today I can shake off the doldrums that started on New Year’s morning when my parents said “goodbye” and drove away. One might think that after almost two weeks of family visiting, we would be happy to get our house and our lives back to normal, and I suppose, on some levels, that is true. On a deeper level though, we just felt sort of empty. Steve and I both wandered around, restless and unsettled for a whole day. We stayed busy on days two and three so it got easier but it was clear to both of us that this Christmas season had given us something we had been missing. We even identified what that something was. We felt loved.
It’s hard to admit that in our day-to-day lives we are missing feeling loved. We have each other and we are almost always together so, in truth, every day IS filled with love. Not to mention the dogs and yes, even the cat, who share themselves so freely with us. And still, we feel a lack. Facebook can be fun but it is a sad replacement for authentic relationships, and sometimes it just serves to point out all that we are missing. We have made new acquaintances in Texas but sometimes that isn’t enough, and real friendships take time.
Last year was a hard year for our extended family … much acknowledged estrangement and more lurking under the surface unaddressed. My faith in family was shaken. Maybe this is why it has been so hard to drum up motivation to update this site. I want to tell happy stories and show off beautiful pictures. And I want to feel like it matters … that people care. I do know that my mom and sister appreciate the effort. And even a few of you lurkers out there have let me know it’s time for an update. Is it wrong to want more? (Yes, that is a rhetorical question.)
Okay, enough. I don’t want to dwell in this place and I’m not looking to be reassured. I just couldn’t bring myself to recount the activities of our days without acknowledging some underlying sorrow for a change. Thank you, Mom and Dad, and Michele, Shaun and Steve, for filling the end of 2010 with love. May 2011 be filled with even more. Love. It’s powerful stuff.
Winter Solstice pics with Mom and Dad out on the pontoon are on facebook. Too bad my brother and sister didn’t get here in time for lake weather!
I understand completely. Hence the need for me to come back to my family here in the US. I don’t think others can understand unless they have been through it themselves. I know my family doesn’t understand the ‘pull’ for something else. We each have our own ‘walk’ to make through our lives. I know I have incredible sadness at having missed so much time with my mom and my ‘little’ brother before their deaths. It really puts things in perspective. Yes, there are trade-offs in life. And as each chapter of our lives unfolds our perspective changes, some things taking on more importance.
Give yourselves time….something may develop….or not. But what needs to be, will.
Yes, I’m sure you do understand, Barb. The miles between have been even farther for you. And still are. I can’t imagine how it must feel to see Jan back off to Belgium. That all said, sometimes physical distance isn’t as hard as emotional distance. This year has had both. I have always been the one who lived far away and I don’t see that changing. I’ll take your advice and give it time. I do believe in letting life unfold how it will …
Wow! I knew you were having hard time with us leaving but didn’t know it was quite this hard. Steve and I talked tonight and he said you were missing us. Thanks for the update and photos. It is great to have been there with all of you and glad you thought so too. It doesn’t happen often enough for me but I have no complaints really. I do think you and Barb need to meet and hug each other. love you